dear feist, i love you, michelle.

"I Feel It All"

I feel it all I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide the wings are wide
Wild card inside wild card inside

Oh I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun
I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn't rest I didn't stop
Did we fight or did we talk?

Oh I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun
I love you more
I love you more
I don't know what I knew before
But now I know I'm wanna win the war

No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick drum on the basement floor
Stranded in a fog of words
Loved him like a winter bird
On my head the water pours
Gulf stream through the open door
Fly away
Fly away to what you want to make

I feel it all, I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card inside, wild card inside

Oh I'll be the one to break my heart
I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll end it though you started it

The truth lies
The truth lied
And lies divide
Lies divide

i am a robot... you are a machine

I think my laptop has a mind of its own. We have a love hate relationship. It has attempted to die on me several times over the last 6 years. With lots of love and money, I have kept it alive. Over the last half year, my laptop has been taking a turn for the worse, and I have finally come to terms that I will need to get a new one sooner than later. Then last month, it started just shutting off, and disconnecting my Internet, and I knew it was time. So I seriously started to put some time looking into my options.... but then something weird happened. My laptop just started working like new again. It was as if it felt its impending doom, and smartened up. I could even leave it on over night with no consequence. It seemed as though, I could save the two grand, and live in comfort. You know what though, it has been six years, and the beauty of the macbook has been calling my name for an awful long time, so I started treating the ol' HP like shit. Moving it around, never turning it off - but it just got stronger.
And here it is ... the AI revenge.
I was nice to it last night, turned it off even. And I woke up this morning turned it on and thought 'you know what, maybe I should hold off on the new laptop for another school year'.... then the bitch of a computer starting acting up this morning.
In conclusion, when we find out we are actually living in the matrix, don't say I didn't know.

fin

you can't read your smile; it should be written on your face

Do you ever walk out of situations and thing 'that would only happen to me'. Not in the sense that I think I am so unique or special that there are actual 'Michelle situations' .... but you know what - that is what I am getting at. I put myself in situations, and then when I retell the story, I don't even make it to the punch line, and people are already in shock.
I guess the main questions is why?
I have no clue.
Do you ever do things, and it seems okay in the moment, and then you sit up in bed at 9:10 am and think huh?? The sunlight brings with it a strange sense of clarity. Even in the most sober of situations, things done at 2am hardly seem bad compared to how they seem at 2pm the next day. Is there a name for this anomaly? How is it that judgment is so cloudy and then so clear... there is no regret... just that an act can seem so kosher in the moment, and a few hours later seem so 'fucked'? I think what I am getting at is this... if you do not regret an action, and if you had to do it over you would do the same, why does it seem so sketchy now, and not in the moment? Is there repressed regret in there that I just cannot see? ... i cannot put my finger on how i feel.
If anything, I actually feel great... can I scratch that whole last paragraph? I am restating my current position. It seemed okay in the moment, but so unusual now. That sounds more like how I feel. No guilt, no do overs, just shock.....
its funny how writting gets you to your real feelings sometimes.

On an aside, someone ate a subway sub in my car. As in the ordered it, ate in, threw out the garbage.... no spills, no half sub lingering for hours. My car smells of sub still. I am sort of concerned about what subway is putting into there subs, better yet, do I smell like that after eating a sub? If so, subway and I are over. My car currently smells like onions, alcohol, and vague tinch of stale cigarettes.... its like a cougar.

fin!

live through this and you won't look back

At work today, I was convinced to go through the McDonalds drive through. I had a bad feeling about it from the start.... i have this crazy intuition, and I for some reason wasn't 'down' with McDonalds.
So as we are turning into the drive through, i have to make a decision, do i chance the uber tight turn and drive up on the curb, or stop and do an awkard three point turn in the middle of the drive through to straighten out.....
obviously i take the curb.
In most cases, my little civic can handle these curbs, but because of the rain, and the fellow risk takers, the tire groove between the curb and the grass was soft, muddy, and my wheel got stuck.
Picture this.... Sabrina and I standing while my wheel is turning and mud is flinging everywhere.... oh by the way we are blocking the entire McDonalds drive through lane. Lucky for us, like everyone near totally came to help, and 4 men later, they actully lifted my car our of the ditch and we drove through the drive through and got the food..... and free ice cream because they felt bad for us.
All in all... mickyd's you are the devil
the devil that comes with free ice cream

oh and ps - i broke a nail during this ordeal

psssh

fin.

i always catch the clock at 11:11

I had this discussion with monica the other morning on our way to school... it went something like this:

Why do people feel the need to call me after11pm on a weeknight? Everytime my cell phone screams Al Green past 11pm on a weeknight, i think to myself these things in this order:
1) is someone in trouble?
- no no no one is in trouble, it is just X wanting to chat ... or Y wanting to know what chapter to read
2) blind rage

I wake up at 5am... therefore if you call me past 11pm on a weeknight without just cause, the following will happen, i will wake up when my alarm wakes me up, brush my teeth, and dial your number.
I will be more than ready to chat at 5:16 am....

disclaimer to the above: if you are heather clark, or a man i am sleeping with, please feel free to call me at anytime

the rest of you jerks...ill catch you in the AM

fin

sweetheart, bitterheart, now i can't tell you apart

pretentious rant
t-3....2.....1.....

oh feist.
In the most teeny bopper way possible, this indie rocker has gotten me musically through the last year of my life with her infectious songs with even more infectious and haunting lyrics.
I sound like an ad!
But for real.
I listen to a cd of hers almost every day..... and then its happening
I was in Hawaii and I heard her on the radio ... but it made sense, because Hawaii actually had decent radio......
and then ..dun dun dunnnnn - Ipod Nano revamp
and who else, but my feist is the face and song behind the new nano
if one more person googles 'who is the woman behind nano commercial' i think my head and heart will explode...

its like your little best kept secret being whored out
you can't not be happy for her
but you feel like the world might not get her like you do

and in my feist world
it feels like i wish all these people could see this for what it is.... they're not in love

fin.

these boots were make for kicking

i got a puppy.

michelle's shoes: 0
darwin-dylan: 2

in conclusion, if you see me barefoot in the near future ... it really won't be my fault

fin

Suburban Crack

Everyone has their habits right? You bite your nails, you chew your gum, you smoke, you smoke too much, you smoke weed, you do coke, whatever... everyone has their habits.
When does a habit become bad? or too much.... what about emotional habits. Are we as people suseptable to habitually becoming self-loathing. Is this a habit? What if you get addicted to doing things that feel good in the moment but are regretable later? Isn't that what most material habits end up as? A smoker will in most cases eventually try to quit. The cravings get really bad and they give in, and in that moment it is fantastic, but then what?, a week later - a day later - an hour later - in the middle ... it creeps in.... that shitty feeling.
What happens when your habits aren't socially deemed unacceptable. What if your habits are walking around all day with someone. How do you break a habit that no one can see? What happens if that habit out weighs not having that habit?
Do you ever think about yourself as a unit and not really know how it all happened? I feel like the last two years have been this blur and I just have these photograph like memories of it all. Sometimes I feel like its all escaping me so fast, the days, the months, its like this drain effect....
I thought a lot about my teenage years today, i went on this nostalgic trip all afternoon with a friend.... we shared our pasts.... i think it was a way for us to both hide from the future.

fin.

gimme less

oh god brit-brit
you went from sex godess working with the neptunes and dating an n*sync-er to lip sinc-er with a beer belly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihH6TpxPcRI&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Eperezhilton%2Ecom%2F

watch the tragedy unfold

fin.

for a minute there, i lost myself

two things...
new obsession... which is really an old obsession : radiohead.

secondly,

who doesn't love e.e. cummings?

i carry your heart with me
by e. e. cummings

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate
(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart
(i carry it in my heart)


fin.

theres no combination of words you can put on the back of a post card

hawaii blog soon

realizations:
it isn't hamilton i miss
it is heather

conclusion:
take heather to hawaii to live


rejoice!
fin